Washed-up is the new black

Dear diary,

Even though I'm 50, I still look damn hot. H-O-T-T. Look at me! I fake tan every week! My arms have less fat than a stalk of celery! I weigh less than a bag of dog food!

Don't you like the way my hair looks like Barbie's? But if Barbie's was even more fake than synthetic. And my heels? Look how shiny they are! And this bag that I had to fight my daughter for? She has good taste, that girl. She always wants to get the same clothes as me. But I look better in them, because of my boob job.

Have to go not eat some more food now!

Love,
The older woman that's trying too hard to look young