Everyone wants to jump me

Dear Diary,

I am so cool. Every woman here wants to have sex with me. I think it's because I ordered my espresso with extra foam, hell to the yeah. Look at me, pretending to look at The New York Times. Chicks think it's cool to read newspapers.

I wonder if I should buy that overpriced mug. My hair looks good gelled back like this. I should pretend to talk on my cell phone so everyone knows how cool I am. I bet if I stare at that girl long enough, she'll have sex with me.

Creepily,
The Weird Guy at Starbucks