Washed-up is the new black

Dear diary,

Even though I'm 50, I still look damn hot. H-O-T-T. Look at me! I fake tan every week! My arms have less fat than a stalk of celery! I weigh less than a bag of dog food!

Don't you like the way my hair looks like Barbie's? But if Barbie's was even more fake than synthetic. And my heels? Look how shiny they are! And this bag that I had to fight my daughter for? She has good taste, that girl. She always wants to get the same clothes as me. But I look better in them, because of my boob job.

Have to go not eat some more food now!

Love,
The older woman that's trying too hard to look young

Your mom's a server

Dear diary,

These people I work with annoy me. They're always calling me about their stupid problems. Wah wah wah, the server's not working, wah, my computer crashed, wah, I can't burn this CD. Why do they keep telling me this? Oh yeah, because it's my job.

They're so dumb. One girl kept telling me the server was down, and I told her it was her fault, but she didn't laugh. So I told her to move so I could show her how she was wrong, and then I asked her why she has so many pens on her desk. She didn't answer. She got really mad when I told her that I didn't believe that the server was down. I mean, yeah, the server was down, but she didn't have to be so mean about it when she told me. God. What a bitch.

Instead of rebooting the server, I just went and sat in my office and drank coffee. When they asked me about the server again, I said that I didn't do anything about it, but in that joking way to make them think that I did. But I didn't. I am so funny.

You're WELCOME,
The Company Computer Guy